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it just doesn't end

okay, yesterday was sunday and as you all know, church is where its at. it was meant to be like every other sunday, starting at 9 am and ending at 12 noon. for those of you who don't know, i had since resigned from being the vice-president of my youth fellowship during my depression days late last year and that was the only way to remain sane.

truth is, its very difficult to criticize something that you are an active part of. its almost as if the more involved you get, the less moral right you have to speak against its shortcomings without sounding downright hypocritical. and that was me in september when it all went crashing down and i left the church for months on end. but after some soul searching, i realized that i cannot change the church and that any adjustments must come from inside out. hence my deciding that my own service will last for exactly 3 hours, come what may, from 9 am to 12 noon.

so yesterday, we had just managed to struggle through the most boring sermon i have ever lived through (and that includes those open air crusade ones where they talk like we're slightly demented kindergarten children grappling with the english language), when the other pastor who came up on the podium to give announcements, decided that he needs to preach his own sermon all over. he goes in for a 30 minute "reminder" after which we pray yet again for another 10 minutes. just when i thought i couldn't go on, yet another pastor came on the podium and instead of just asking us to drop the offering and go home as usual, decides to take "very very brief and straight to the point testimonies". yeah right. 7 people raise their hands and i'm packing my bible ready to walk out at the dot of 12 cos heaven knows i will not wait past testimony 2.

naturally, the first three testimonies are the "i'm alive err'body!" kind of testimonies...you know, the type where people thank God for everything from their ability to move their lips, to the grace that the sky is blue (if it wasn't church, i'd swear some people were on meth). this is probably why non-christians really think we've lost touch with reality. the sky has been blue since i was born...there is always the possibility that things can go wrong whether or not you testify about it, so why on earth is that suddenly important to the scheme of things? but i digress...

the last few minutes to 12, testifier number 4 takes the microphone and starts by telling the already weary audience that she needs to beg us to be patient with her. that her testimony is one that she cannot summarise (seriously? yes sister, yes you can!). we all fall quiet in rapt attention and i'm thinking: 'Orok give her a break, she probably almost died yesterday or something'...and then i hear "it happened to me 20 years ago"...and everyone goes "ahhhhhh!" in utter disbelief that we were about to sit through a 20 year old testimony. at this point, i'm pretty certain i'm standing at the back pretending to be an usher so i can make a hot dash for the door.

after what seemed like one light year later, she completes the testimony. it ends up being about an old woman who gave her moi moi (bean pudding) when she went to buy firewood during her years of blissful innocence in far away benin city and how she ended up dreaming about a black cat under her bed. thats it. there was no mysterious flying, no conversations with the cat,... darn, not even her eating cat meat pepper soup or something??!!! well, i decided i might as well finish the service if this was the worst of it, and thats when sister decides to break into lengthy song for this glorious miracle of life. ooookkkay.

so thats how my week started...and now i think i have to testify next sunday. you know, something dramatic like how my blog still has 3 readers or something (i'm still working on it) and then break into a lengthy song for good measure. sheesh.

apart from the whole egypt mayhem (God have mercy), i hope you're all good...see y'all around peeps!

Comments

Anonymous said…
If this does not go through- I will kill google. The church one left me in 'raptureous' laughter, the fasting one - gave me a good excuse to heap on my innocent wife next time she suggests fasting. Good, excellent and in name of everything American music and commercilaised bestest- bestest, thank you man- for making my tipsy night out and back in- one bit nicer!!
Koko

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