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i'm quite done

you know how growing up there was something that always terrified you? (not the dark, you sissy)...i'm talking about some future thing that you just used to dread ever happening to you by chance. you know, like all those older cousins who had to write JAMB five times for no apparent reason and would leave you wondering how many times you would have to end up writing it too. i just realized, that at every stage in life, the human mind finds something new to be scared of...nay, more like worried for.

i just sat on my couch over the weekend assessing my life. it occured to me that somehow, i had reached my short term goal of earning a proper salary, and i had acquired the sound system, car, phone and laptop of my dreams. i mean, i've got everything i always thought would make me "arrive"...so why was i still worried? and what was it that felt outstanding?

then it hit me...i'll never be rid of something new to worry about. even if i had every single thing on earth...i'd still want what i cannot immediately have. throughout my life, i worried. at 7, i worried that i may never get to secondary school cos i dreaded mathematics. after getting to secondary school, i dreaded that i wouldn't ever pass my JAMB exams in one sitting, cos nobody i knew did! and then after that, i always expected to fail every course in university (although i eventually only had a single carry over in all my life in university), and then i feared i'd have to do law school over and over till they asked me to give up. and after law school came my biggest fear...being a charge-and-bail lawyer.

you will not understand how afraid i was about ever being a charge-and-bail lawyer. they get really bad press. i used to pray against it every time i was in fellowship while at law school. for some reason, the fact that becoming a charge-and-bail lawyer isn't something you plan or deserve just made it such a huge possibility that i would sometimes get goosebumps just thinking that it could very well be me someday! i think that fear has propelled me to get so good at whatever i know, just to avoid it. but funnily, i still haven't met a single charge-and-bail lawyer in all my years of practice (and no, i'm not gonna look in the mirror, so wipe that silly smirk off your face)...just as well really, cos i'd maybe faint if i did meet one.

so now, you may be wondering what my fear is today? underachieving. i'm so afraid that everyone else is doing or will do so much better than me, that it keeps me awake at night plotting my entire life's path. i have realized that some will be better than me and some will be worse. its just life and its a constant flux but that doesn't stop me from wanting to exceed today, tomorrow. and if you don't pretend, i'm sure it does bother you once in a while where you stand in the scheme of things. like if your mates ever gathered together for an alumni dinner, would you be proud of who you've become?

so just in case you ever find me in a cold sweat staring into space, don't be alarmed...its probably just one of my "please God don't ever let me charge and bail anything" phases...it will pass. truth is that in writing this, i'm really quite done worrying so much where i am going in life and how i'm gonna get there. it doesn't help me go any faster and i hope you realize it too someday.

see y'all tomorrow and do let me know on my facebook page what you dread most...even if its me

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