of advice amazement and adventure

times like today i am stuck. stuck because everything has been happening so fast but its all been too personal to paste on my blog. when i first started blog writing, i could have posted anything i liked cos it was accessible to only a few friends, now i get people from costa rica (not that its a bad thing).

as usual when i haven't written my blog in a long time, i'm just gonna do a quick round up of whats been popping and upping. okay, i'll stop trying to be funky at old age. lets do this from the most important to the least important shall we?

as y'all know from my several whining posts on the dangerous slope the country was going that i did not understand for the life of me why average citizens of a country would all think the same way about how to solve a national problem but the government just kept moving round in circles. and yes, i'm talking about militancy in the north and south of nigeria. the approach so far has been to pay off these criminal elements milking us all of our hard earned tax monies under the guise of aggitating for a noble cause. to cut the long story short, through these hefty payments, many of which is not declared to the nigerian public, the south militant groups went away for 3 years, the north militant groups decided to get their share of the booty and now we are in a dire situation. according to the president, there are serious seccessionist and public rebellion attempts in the north and FINALLY he has declared a state of emergency. listening to the radio on my way to work this morning, station after station, market woman after barber after policeman, agreed that it was the right move but way too late in the day. with all the special assistants and senior special advisers, this is the government we get? paid advice is clearly not always the best advice.

moving on. i wrote a blog post sometime back where i interviewed my friend Tims who left her job at a multinational company to pursue her dreams of running a bridal consultancy outfit. although my intrigue at her conviction formed the basis of that interview, i still somehow didn't grasp the magnitude of it. somewhere in my head i felt she was just fed up with her job and needed to "try her hands" at something she loved and would soon be bored. well, a bridal studio, worldclass website, media campaign, employees, widely read blog and celebrity clients later, and i'm thinking maybe i should leave my own job too and go pursue my dreams of er...salsa dancing (pot belly and all). but f'real, you know how you go through someone's blog post and come away feeling thrice smarter. i just realized that there is a science to bridal fashion. i know that sounds pink but i'm not kidding. i got on the phone to her to critique something she wrote and by the time she was through explaining how every piece of attire on a bride is determined by several factors from skin shade to prefered make up to body size...i was speechless. this wasn't just mills and boon stuff about butterflies and fairytales, this was deep. you've got to read her brief takes on everything from bolleros (i just learned that) to pressed swarovski aso oke. not even kidding. http://idoweddingsng.blogspot.com/

and then there was that little holiday i took. nothing major, but since all my closest friends are my biggest haters, i just love to mention that i'm on official leave from work every 6 or so months. yes, i do work y'all, and no i don't bribe anyone to approve the leave dates...contrary to what y'all might think. i wish i could tell you where i went but that would be considered "showing off" seeing as we live in a third world country where people have not much to eat. plus, laying low in these treacherous times is not such a bad idea. but i had the maddest fun, caught up with old friends and had time away from this madness. as they say in this part of the world, i "did and undid"...and came back broke and high as a kite. plus i took my gangster ish all the way there and back. go on an' hate.

so yeah, thats the highlight of whats been down...and i'm back on the grind. somehow its good to have a normal life (dreary as it may get) to return to after the euphoria of a holiday. i suddenly have the will to write all over again...and trust me, the government might just have to take note.

before i go though, here's a sincere thanks to all of you who have written in with amazing entries on where our blog 5th anniversary prize should go. i appreciate all your efforts and we (judges and i) are eager to announce the winners soon.

see y'all around peeps.

anniversary gift splash ON!

the blog is in its 5th year and we are giving away prizes. you get to do a good deed by helping your favourite charity win 100,000 naira (just convince us why they deserve that money) while you then get the following personal keepsake prizes worth 150,000 naira for yourself!!! you know you want it...

HOW TO WIN:
1. Nominate a charity and write a short justification as to why they deserve One Hundred Thousand Naira

2. Submit your write up to simplyoroquesview@gmail.com between April 14 2013 to May 31 2013

TERMS & CONDITIONS:

Judges decision is final
Only winners will be contacted
Cash prize of 150,000 may be given at our discretion in lieu of winner gift package (i.e. blackberry z10, shoes & bag plus 20,000 naira cash)
no purchase, payment or donation is required to participate. Absolutely free.

yes, you can spread the word. Winners announced June 15, 2013. lets go peeps! don't let your favourite charity down!

...and the nominees for most overall commenter are

winner to be announced May 31st 2013...

of leggy and a happy nigerian man

so after the last post by the blogger "leggy" on nagging, she has risen quickly to one of my bloggers of interest (right after ginger and toinlicious)...hence my need to visit her page today and read what unabashed views she has this time. alas, i was not disappointed. she is giving single girls tips on how to get a nigerian man to marry them. i swear she makes me laugh out way too loud at work. you've absolutely got to read it: http://www.leggy-freda.com/#!/2013/04/how-to-get-nigerian-man-to-marry-you.html

a lot of people were laughing about the tips and going "you can't be serious" but i know to goodness that all them single girls be taking notes, cos whether we admit it or not, more than half of the tips are true. damn it, actually all of it is true other than the "maternal" bit. who gives a flying toss if you love kids?! as long as you dont give them a flying kick and look like a grouch, then you're fine.

so, in the spirit of advice and things, here's my 'how to' post in reply:

how to have a happy nigerian relationship/marriage:

1. give your man space: forget all the things you read online by so called "relationship experts" and motivational speakers - who won't tell you they've been thrice married and are separated from their present spouse - about how someone in love should want to be with you all day everyday. about how the best way to measure how much he loves you is by how long he wants to just snuggle up to you and watch your favourite soap every waking moment. er...miss? he's a man not a puppy, and that sort of thing only leads to more children than he planned to have.

2. have a different opinion, but say it only once: there is a thin line between a loving disagreement and fierce argument. men are attracted to logical reasoning by default. unsentimental logical reasoning. a dog is a dog, no matter that you gave him a name and your child is heartbroken that it has died. contrary to what you watch on E! reality shows, most fathers dig a hole in the yard and dump the dead animal without further ado. if you disagree with this approach, by all means say it...ONCE...and if he insists, let it go.

3. he is not your friends husband/boyfriend: rule one - every relationship is different. rule two - women exaggerate. thats just how they're built. all your friends come to paint the picture of having perfect husbands who tend to their every need all the damn time. trust me, it aint true. for instance, no man i know just decides to up and leave everything (TV, internet, car, phone, friends house, mechanic, barber) to sit on a stool and paint his wive's toenail except its leading to "you know what". and that goes for washing clothes, cooking meals and general domestication. its real nigerian life, not mills & boon set in the billowy fields of 1970 san fransisco.

4. he has secrets: not all of them bad. many of them just to surprise you later on. let it be. no matter how much you pry (or try to get him to talk in the middle of the boom boom time), you can never get ALL the information he is hiding from you (yes, he probably earns three times more than he told you). and no, its not always another woman...infact more often than not, it isn't another woman. truth is, the person your spouse is likely to have an affair with is someone you would never think he would even look at. the obvious suspects are obvious to him too, go figure. if you're observant you'll realize that he never wants to know what you've been up to, or what you and your friends discuss, or who you think is handsome etc. its not that he doesn't care, its that he REALLY doesn't care...cos life happens and he'll deal with stuff WHEN they occur.

5. never show your displeasure in public: okay, who am i kidding?

6. follow his lead when you're out: he doesn't much mind that he cannot ask you for a glass of whatever without having to fill out a form and book an appointment while you're both at home. he knows you're gonna put up a fuss anyway so he'll probably either laugh it off or turn it into a lil argument in the hope that you'll settle it 'as a couple' (wink wink). but when he tells the driver to do something when you had already sent the driver a separate errand...the place to correct him is not from the third floor balcony in full view of the world. you might wanna speak your local dialect to block out the driver and neighbours if you absolutely must correct your husband...and this does not involve speaking directly to the driver in your husbands presence. same applies to when he says its time to leave a party, discipline the kids or change the house help. call it ego massaging, but public respect works wonders.

7. leave his friends alone: so yes he invites you to come out and say hello to his visiting friend or church members...that means exactly that. come out, say hello, fuss about what they will drink etcetera, then tell them you're coming and leave them to it. you can leave the room door ajar to overhear everything but don't plunk yourself down in the middle of four men looking at their mouths as they TRY to discuss what embarassing personal issue brought them all the way to see your man. by extension, if he leaves you alone with his friends, do not have too much fun. do not laugh loud or for too long and definitely excuse yourself to go and meet him in the room/kitchen if he isn't back in two minutes. no, he's not jealous about your seeming ease with his buddies, its just that pals and spouses are in two "never to meet" worlds. ever.

8. take the hint about his mum:  show open affection for your man's mother, no matter what he says. biological family are like pets, we can diss them and disrespect them but once anyone else tries to do it, we're suddenly gravely offended. this doesn't mean to take crap from his mother from hell, it just means, never let your husband see you give as good as you get. also, when reporting his family (parents and siblings) misdeeds to him, show how extremely hurt you are by their actions but instantly act like you totally understand why they're being such assholes...he suddenly feels the urge to protect you from them and half your battle is won.

9. never talk about exes: he really doesn't want to know even if he asks you directly. he's also definitely not interested in how long they lasted in the sack or what their favourite hobbies were or how they treated you. he's in your life now, that should be more than enough. if you absolutely must talk about them, never go beyond: "he was just okay, nothing bad. we just didn't get along and he was too busy so i decided to give him space to grow". ching! all your man hears is: "you're so good i don't even remember what my ex  was like plus i was the mature one back then so moving on". thank me later.

10: repeat number 1: added to that, dont pry. plus, kill that need to ask him "why" every single time. men give information solely on a need to know basis, so if he isn't telling you something, you're honestly better off not knowing at that particular time. take what he gives you as the best he can. if you see a surprising new gadget in the house, act like you always wanted that gadget, i swear it defeats his pleasure at playing truant. never play the "i thought you said you didn't have money" card, or try to run through his expenditure over the past month to catch him in a lie. it never ends well, plus you just pointed out all the areas he now needs to close.

so yeah, like leggy says: "This is my good deed for the day. Let her who have ears, listen or something like that". take it from me, the expert. :)

see y'all around peeps.