I got a new niece a month ago. Her name is Grace and she is absolutely wonderful. for those who know a bit about my extended life, I have 4 strapping nephews who will use up a quarter of your life span if you spend one hour with them. So it was beyond delightful that a girl finally came along. Everyone had thought I would get my act together and be the one to have the first female grandchild in the family...yes, you can laugh now.
so I was looking at her when I went for her naming ceremony after she was born. As I held her, all tiny and squiggly with her minute involuntary tics without a care in the world, I wondered at what point fear would creep in. I know it is a weird thing to ponder at an event like that but I often juxtapose the innocence of newborns with the intensity of adult life. As soon as I left the event and got in my car on the way to the office, my brain switched back to all the worries: would i make it back in time for that meeting i cannot afford to miss? am i ready for the court case coming up the next day that i cannot afford to mess up? do i ask my boss for more time on that assignment that had a non-shiftable deadline? oh and the house people just called about whether i would be renewing at the end of the lease period. with which money though...? Sigh
During the drive as I thumbed through pictures of the event, the thought returned: "where do we pick up fear and worry from? and at what point of the human journey do we get so wound up to the point of having heart attacks and high blood pressures? and when do we drop it all and return to the state of mind Grace is in?
I know you will say that Grace can afford to be in that state of mind because she has parents who worry about her, and make sure she feeds and is kept warm. But if you think about it, animals have the same needs met and I doubt they die of high blood pressure. Except maybe elephants who I understand can actually grieve and get heart broken...but I digress.
I will try not to get too deep into this concept so I don't lose you but in my head, fear and worry come from the importance we have attached to certain things. This importance usually comes from either experience or education. So for example, you become afraid of fire because at some point in infancy every single person will be burnt by an open flame. You will avoid electrical outlets because usually at some point, every person will experience electric shock. As a living thinking organism, our brains are programmed not to repeat painful experiences if we can avoid them. Fear is introduced where we face something we inherently know will cause us pain, but we somehow sense we cannot avoid it. #helplessness.
Let's stretch that a little further. When we feel helpless about our ability to avoid impending pain, the next practical thing for your brain to do is go into overdrive to find a solution. That solution is clearly one that is not obvious otherwise you would have taken it and not felt helpless in the first place. As the pain situation gets closer, your brain worries more. Worry is thus driven largely by fear. And the brain never stops until the pain hits, then it moves into self preservation mode by reacting in real time physically. still with me? i'm almost done.
Of course "fear through education" is the one where you have no actual personal reason why you think something is important. You were told that it is the way things are done, and you have seen everybody else do it, so you suddenly make it your own life goal as well. Then you struggle to achieve that goal even when everything in your body and soul is not aligned to that goal. In fact sometimes, your mind knows you will be miserable if you achieved the goal but you press on, in fear and worry about your inability to be like everyone else. At some point, if not well managed, you will become suicidal because a part of you feels like you have failed at a simple task that everyone else has succeeded in. Sound familiar? 😂 #SocialPressure
My biggest fear is litigation. I know it is ridiculous because I am a lawyer but the fact that the outcome is completely outside my control even when a case appears water tight and I have done my absolute best (and yet might lose on some unforeseen technicality) literally keeps me up at night for at least a week before any court date. I used to even have heart palpitations on the day of the court matter itself and would walk into court a nervous wreck, even if I am just the client. But then as soon as my matter is called and I am in action, I am fine. Somehow I function in the moment and its over before I know it, and I walk out of the court completely blank.
The truth is that fear and worry creep in as we get wiser and we take on expectations of ourselves and others. This is why cultures are different. What is a 'must have' in one culture is not even an issue in the next...but the pressure is the exact same. Imagine if Grace grew up in a culture that told her that she does not have to cook and clean for anyone if she doesn't want to. Imagine a culture that values self expression and gives her the same opportunities to compete with everyone else fair and square. Would her fears be the same as someone stuck in a religious environment as ours? Or will she just find new fears. Most likely.
So anyway, all your fears are yours alone. The next person to you does not share them. I have friends who do litigation all their lives and actually thrive. They lose cases and win cases and keep it moving. So this whole thing is my own creation that I am suffering under. The same with you and your fears. Look, your fear that you might lose your job and be homeless, will not stop the actual job loss from occurring if it will. A Chinese proverb says "a man who fears impending death, dies twice". Take practical steps every single day to get the life you want but always accept the reality that not everything is within your control. And tell yourself that it is okay and you will be just fine regardless. Reduce the importance you are placing on certain things and people, have no expectations of yourself (other than that you are here now and doing whatever you are doing now) and trust that you will figure tomorrow out when you are ready. #Breathe
i'm hard pressed not to write about the nigerin blog awards but (i) it wont be fair to all my readers and people who took the time to vote for this blog (ii) i still don't understand my mental state when i decided to participate in it and (iii) i'm as bitter as a older wives meeting a new wife for the first time. to cut a morbid story short: i did not win a damn acknowledgement (much less an award). after all my toiling, having to degrade myself to the point of begging for votes from people who i really never wanted to know about my blog or read the contents thereof, after making people i hold in extreme high regard leave their daily activities and set out to vote for something so trivial, and aafter i waited ages for the darn result to be announced, i still didn't win a matchstick. i know there is something called graciously accepting the results of a competition when it doesn't go your way, but please. i'll probably never have a reason to spew out the diat
okay so usually, i avoid topics bordering on religion, politics and sexuality...but this one is hard to ignore (and as fearless blogger, i must bite the bullet). i woke up this morning and my timeline was full of comments castigating the bloody waste of time and tax payers money that is the the new anti-same sex marriage law. the nigerian senate passed it into law a few days ago (14 years imprisonment etc). the honest truth is that everyone is cautious about this topic because it is like holding palm oil while wearing white. no matter what side of the fence you're on in terms of your sexual preference, you are bound to get stained if you as much as say the wrong thing on the matter - and anything you say can and will be wrong. if you disagree with the new law, you're clearly an undercover gay person and if you agree with the new law openly, you're a shameless homophobe. i guess this explains why interestingly, all of the people i know who are vocal against the new law - o
Look at this picture. That's one of the children being rescued from a collapsed school building in Lagos, Nigeria. You don't have a be a parent and I won't pander to your better instincts. Tell me this is acceptable or should be allowed to occur again. The President sent condolence messages and the Governor visited the site then said the state emergency services will do all they can cliched response. the end. and people moved on. The heartbreaking pictures of the children pulled out half dazed with cement dust all over their little noses (Exhibit A) did not let me sleep last night. I have gone to drop a comment on the governor's pages on all social media platforms that we need #MoreThanPlatitudes 🚫❌ We need to hear what policy changes are triggered by the death of these babies. The Commissioner of Education must address Lagosians and set up a project team with the Commissioner for Works or Town Planning etc to undertake an immediate structural integrity test
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