of life in grey...

so i was coming on here to talk about something deep...about self-disappointment and how life is not black and white but rather grey. so much has happened to me in the past month, and all of it too personal to share, that it leaves me wondering why i write this blog anyways. the whole idea is to live my life out there, but then halfway through it i realize that my life doesn't belong to me anymore. more of my stories now have my girlfriend, my sister, my handsome new nephew (he looks just like me by the way, hence the "handsome") and other people that i'm not so sure would like their business out in the public domain. so its hard to really write from the heart anymore.

but, that does not mean my life has been dull. no it hasn't and here's the summary:

after 4 whole months, i finally mustered the courage to go to church last sunday. the pastor came to my house on saturday evening to say hello and ask me back. i obliged. its sadly the same old "flee fornication and drop your tithes on the way out" cycle, so i'm now back on the threshhold of to stay or to go. however, i need God now more than ever. so, except i grow some balls and find him elsewhere, then refusing to go to church is not the answer. i know that now.

i just heard this morning that the government intends to touch my pension funds to "fix electricity"...we've been fixing electricity since i was born in 1979. we increase budgetary allocations for fixing electricity every year and its never been worse. then in a shameless show of desperation and loss of control, the president ups and sacks 4 management staff of the electricity company for the increased power outtages. the outtage prolly increased in his house, cos in my house nothing has changed. o well, i always knew government had plans for all that idle money they succeeded in deducting from my monthly salary in the name of pensions so no surprise there.

i have just realized that life itself is complex. it suddenly occurs to me that all of my perfect structured life is not sustainable in the long term and that to let someone share in it, means letting go of the strict organization i have cultivated over the years. that or i will be alone a longer period than i had hoped. one school of thought says i should wait as long as it takes to meet the perfect person, the other says the perfect person is the person you're presently with and to make the best of the situation. i'm not sure which to choose but i sure as hell am not happy...infact sometimes i miss my life (no offence babe). but thats all i'm going to say about that for obvious reasons.

and finally, i think my house is cursed. no seriously (don't roll your eyes Timi). so, remember how i said that i had the most wonderful neighbours in the world and they all seemed to be making progress etcetera? well, thats still true. since i moved into that house (for those of you who believe in spiritism) there's just been amazing progress. all my neighbours now have 2 cars each (up from one), three of the six neighbours have new babies bringing their individual broods to three kids per person (in this economy), and my drunkard neighbour was transferred to port harcourt - o the joy. so yeah, we're having a roll, except that in february my only unmarried neighbour (and the nicest dude ever) took ill with malaria, and i came back to meet news of his death five short weeks later. he had the best cars in the entire neighbourhood and was living well so its a shock that he passed so abruptly.

the newest tenants in the compound have recently decided that domestic violence is the key to an exciting marriage with the husband suddenly acquiring a taste for pummeling his wife by midnight every gaddamn day (and now on weekends) in front of their three children aged four, two and five months. my other neighbours are worried as heck and are afraid for her life but i refuse to get involved. frankly, and i know this is colder than ice on a snowing day, i have my own issues and "oro oko ati iyawo k'ose da si" (husband and wife matter is not a 'putting mouth' type of something). clearly not enough drama in one compound, the third neighbour is having an open affair with a lady two houses away, public opinion be damned. we all know his wife and kids and he is smart enough to know she is bound to hear of his escapades but like i said, hell be damned.

so, with three out of seven tenants facing what my "religious amebo" neighbour terms a spiritual attack, i think church is where i need to be right now cos who knows what the remaining four of us should expect? frankly my only fear is that i'll get too rich for that neighbourhood, travel abroad for holidays and buy meself a jeep to replace my beloved motor car. thats spiritual problem enough if you ask me. or what do you think?

weird how my short posts always become epistles. o well, see y'all around peeps!