just today i sat back thinking, and yes i was taking a break from work all you haters, about all the things that have happened to me this year alone and i cant help but feel that the phrase "funny how" is just so apt...okay let me start from the top
so its new years day and i had a few guests over. naturally, i couldnt avoid those types of guests who never leave until the johnny walker is through and done. and this one that happened to be the last man standing (barely, in his case) was not the quiet type who would just sit there and just silently drink himself to stupor and go home to sleep and throw up. noooooo, he had to be the talking type. you know, those types who suddenly remember that they pay way too much tax to this god-forsaken country with every gulp of whiskey? yes, exactly. so there i was lying on my sofa in the parlour completely exhausted from a full day of hosting and wondering how to tell dude that i wasn't running a public bar when the power went out.
as anyone close to me knows, i have an aversion to personal generating sets and have refused to get one, no matter the persuasion. so i saw my chance to get rid of this private nuisance. i put on a candle and told him that i needed to go to bed early considering especially that there was no more power to see. i even added an apology for not having a generator (yes, we apologize about stuff like that around here) and hoped that would be that...but how can it be? in righteous indignation, he shouted that i shouldn't apologize! "if this stupid country and our corrupt leaders used our taxes well, why should anybody have a generator?" and bla bla bla, as i ushered him nicely towards the door.
so he says, "wait!", to which i find myself obeying (for no apparent reason), followed by "i have to go and drop my glass in the kitchen". i try to insist but he's adamant. seriously?! at this point i realize that i may need to call for backup, but i am a patient fellow, so i oblige him while standing right by the door waiting. so dude comes out from the kitchen and says, "theres someone in your bathroom". okay, this was becoming hilarious so i decided to play along. "is it a girl or a boy?" i asked, he goes "you think i'm drunk right? hahahahaha. [pause]...i'm serious [pause]...your visitors bathroom door moved". so i go "wow. that must be so amazing! doors moving in response to the breeze! such breakthrough technology. okay come and go seriously". and i opened the front door, and thats when i heard something in the dark, that sounded a lot like crumpled paper falling from the other sofa onto the fllor.
at this point, i realize i cannot be left alone in the dark with an unidentified sound, so i say, hang on while i wear my slippers and walk you out. as i moved, the sound came again, this time around the visitors toilet. luckily for me he hears it, and goes "did you hear that?", i'm like okay bring the candle and lets check it out. i need to add here that the good thing about being drunk is that it takes away your common sense, including that of caution. and so he bravely marches to the toilet door and swings it wide open. our eyes adjust to the dimly lit toilet and try to focus on the floor, but the shadows were too large and obstructing. so i motioned for him to put the candle on the floor to give the light a better angle. and thats when we saw it. as big as a full grown public dustbin rat, just under the toilet by the wall.
holy crap, i thought. "is that a rat?", he asked me in typical nigerian style cos, you know we are both living through the same experience at the same time and seeing the same thing, and you suddenly expect me to know better about it than you. riiight. thats like watching a nigerian movie with my dad, he never gets it. a woman will slap a man in a movie, and my dad will ask noone in particular "did she just slap him?", "is he her father?", "what did he do?"...okay dad, i'll say it slowly: I. DONT. KNOW.
So anyways, it wasn't a rat, because rats dont just stand there when cornered and stare at two humans with light, the way this thing was. and so when we decided to move closer, the thing stood upright on four spindly legs with a raised claw. wow. okay, that was enough to tell me that it would be wise to shut the door and get a stick.
to cut an otherwise long story short we (my guest actually) killed the biggest crab i have ever seen right there in my visitors bathroom. yes, you heard me...CRAB.
funny how i was a moment ago considering him the world's biggest nuisance after cholera and minutes later came in handy with his drunken ears and bravado.
and no i didnt cook edikang ikong with it, you silly oaf, i asked them to throw it away. so there, i started my year with just the right amount of drama and yesterday my mallam kiled yet another crab at my balcony, trying to get into my house. i guess the crab committee is trying to tell me something (or as my mallam said, maybe na winsh dem). well, those winshes (thats "witch" for you the uninformed) will soon end up in my pot of soup cos i'm not sure i can resist the temptation much longer.
see y'all around peeps!
so its new years day and i had a few guests over. naturally, i couldnt avoid those types of guests who never leave until the johnny walker is through and done. and this one that happened to be the last man standing (barely, in his case) was not the quiet type who would just sit there and just silently drink himself to stupor and go home to sleep and throw up. noooooo, he had to be the talking type. you know, those types who suddenly remember that they pay way too much tax to this god-forsaken country with every gulp of whiskey? yes, exactly. so there i was lying on my sofa in the parlour completely exhausted from a full day of hosting and wondering how to tell dude that i wasn't running a public bar when the power went out.
as anyone close to me knows, i have an aversion to personal generating sets and have refused to get one, no matter the persuasion. so i saw my chance to get rid of this private nuisance. i put on a candle and told him that i needed to go to bed early considering especially that there was no more power to see. i even added an apology for not having a generator (yes, we apologize about stuff like that around here) and hoped that would be that...but how can it be? in righteous indignation, he shouted that i shouldn't apologize! "if this stupid country and our corrupt leaders used our taxes well, why should anybody have a generator?" and bla bla bla, as i ushered him nicely towards the door.
so he says, "wait!", to which i find myself obeying (for no apparent reason), followed by "i have to go and drop my glass in the kitchen". i try to insist but he's adamant. seriously?! at this point i realize that i may need to call for backup, but i am a patient fellow, so i oblige him while standing right by the door waiting. so dude comes out from the kitchen and says, "theres someone in your bathroom". okay, this was becoming hilarious so i decided to play along. "is it a girl or a boy?" i asked, he goes "you think i'm drunk right? hahahahaha. [pause]...i'm serious [pause]...your visitors bathroom door moved". so i go "wow. that must be so amazing! doors moving in response to the breeze! such breakthrough technology. okay come and go seriously". and i opened the front door, and thats when i heard something in the dark, that sounded a lot like crumpled paper falling from the other sofa onto the fllor.
at this point, i realize i cannot be left alone in the dark with an unidentified sound, so i say, hang on while i wear my slippers and walk you out. as i moved, the sound came again, this time around the visitors toilet. luckily for me he hears it, and goes "did you hear that?", i'm like okay bring the candle and lets check it out. i need to add here that the good thing about being drunk is that it takes away your common sense, including that of caution. and so he bravely marches to the toilet door and swings it wide open. our eyes adjust to the dimly lit toilet and try to focus on the floor, but the shadows were too large and obstructing. so i motioned for him to put the candle on the floor to give the light a better angle. and thats when we saw it. as big as a full grown public dustbin rat, just under the toilet by the wall.
holy crap, i thought. "is that a rat?", he asked me in typical nigerian style cos, you know we are both living through the same experience at the same time and seeing the same thing, and you suddenly expect me to know better about it than you. riiight. thats like watching a nigerian movie with my dad, he never gets it. a woman will slap a man in a movie, and my dad will ask noone in particular "did she just slap him?", "is he her father?", "what did he do?"...okay dad, i'll say it slowly: I. DONT. KNOW.
So anyways, it wasn't a rat, because rats dont just stand there when cornered and stare at two humans with light, the way this thing was. and so when we decided to move closer, the thing stood upright on four spindly legs with a raised claw. wow. okay, that was enough to tell me that it would be wise to shut the door and get a stick.
to cut an otherwise long story short we (my guest actually) killed the biggest crab i have ever seen right there in my visitors bathroom. yes, you heard me...CRAB.
funny how i was a moment ago considering him the world's biggest nuisance after cholera and minutes later came in handy with his drunken ears and bravado.
and no i didnt cook edikang ikong with it, you silly oaf, i asked them to throw it away. so there, i started my year with just the right amount of drama and yesterday my mallam kiled yet another crab at my balcony, trying to get into my house. i guess the crab committee is trying to tell me something (or as my mallam said, maybe na winsh dem). well, those winshes (thats "witch" for you the uninformed) will soon end up in my pot of soup cos i'm not sure i can resist the temptation much longer.
see y'all around peeps!
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