singing over a silent stream...

its not always that i write a moody blog. i really don't know what to write today, and its not because i have nothing to write but because my heart is really heavy. it is true what they say: "you don't know what you've got till its gone". it has never been truer for me until today. a few years ago when i finished law school and was loafing around for two months eager to show the world how intelligent i am, i didn't think for a minute that work life would be consuming to the point where its all you can do to sleep out weekends just to avoid a complete breakdown.

in just trying to stay afloat and keep your desk clear and keep yourself from a query, you put in more and more into the job. you put in more time, and realize thats not enough. you acquire more knowledge and hope that it will make you better able to cope, and that fails too. then you decide that maybe if you had more authority at work, it would let you do the work your own way and thus free your time and energy. that is also not true. cos then you get promoted, and realize that noone is willing to help you out so much with their input and the responsibility for failure or success of each task falls squarely on your shoulder. so then you put in more time again, and the cycle continues. and in all of this, you find that you can afford better health care, better food, a chaffeur driven car, access to the amazing places, travels around the world...but your life is still empty.

you find that you were so much happier when you were so much poorer. when the only phone you could afford was a hand me down from a senior cousin, and the best meals were hurriedly made or bought from the roadside. the laughter was more sincere, and people laughed with you from their heart. you were unashamed to be goofy, and you always promised yourself that if you only had more money, all of the people you care so much about would be so much happier as you would buy them the world.

and then you have the money...but you're never on the other side of the phone when they call. there is always that meeting that you have to read through 16 powerpoint slides in 30 minutes before hand. there's a difficult boss and indisciplined colleagues who must always slow you down and not bring their own to the table. there's one more thing to complete before close of business and you find yourself sleeping in the car on the way home everyday. and then there are all these tons of people you don't even remember how you met, always calling you at odd hours for financial assistance. there's church to support, there are bills to pay. the money is never enough and neither is the day. you crave for silence and your phone is forever on vibrate. and your family ever so loving, understands even more. make yet another excuse for your absence to attend yet another family function, and stands aside proud of your achievements and trying not to get in your way.

and so one more year goes by, and then its five years. and they wait for your attention. they wait for that phonecall, they forget how you look, they cradle your pictures, they age. and then one day, you get the phonecall you have been dreading, they're gone. dead. never to be seen again. and it occurs to you in the brief moment before your boss calls you to come in for another meeting, that you never bought them that fancy nokia handset you promised (and could have afforded hundred times over). you were too shy to tell them you really love them and don't know how you'd have turned out without them. and now you can't.

so now i'm singing over a silent stream, hoping you can hear me from the other side, my dear aunty mummy. you sang "when peace like a river" with me and laughed at all my jokes. you thought i was way too witty to be a stiff-necked lawyer. you took my tantrums in your stride and never stopped loving me. thank you for every time you gave me a raise in LASU when i'd run to your class so i could eat another meal cos there was no way to call my folks in abuja. and i'm sorry i haven't seen you in 3 years and now will never see you again.

but i will sing nevertheless, because thats what you'd have me do.