i know that by now you have already heard the story making the rounds...and you know i am not one to get overly emotional about sensational news items in the media but this is different. as always, certain things baffle me to the point of stupor and call me naive, but i don't think age or experience will ever make it easier to understand.
below is a couple on their wedding day. 'aww nice' i hear you think. i thought the same too.
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but she's dead now. and according to report, he killed her. 3 years down and one child later. after she was killed, we all now know she was consistently beaten throughout her short marriage, she had left the marriage one and then returned. she didn't tell her family but confided in a colleague about the abuse. and the male audience insist the man must have been drunk when he did it. but she's dead.
the ensuing scandal is not why this news is interesting, but the discussions arising from it. while everyone i know seems to remember a family friend or acquaintance or friend or cousin who used to be beaten by a spouse or lover, nobody has told me when the victim of the abuse ever walked out of the marriage or divorced the spouse. it always ends with, "she stuck it through for the sake of the kids", "she told her parents and they called him to order", "she prayed and fasted for him until he stopped much later". not once did i hear, 'and she moved out and filed for divorce'.
the story above is pathetic but very representative of countless nigerian marriages. i for one had constantly witnessed spousal pummeling for many of my growing up years, not because my parents ever quarrelled (the good of their being lifelong pastors i guess), but watching through my bedroom window as the couples in the next house opposite our room would fight. it would often start with the silliest things like "kemi where is my slippers" and a response from the wife like "its a 3 bedroom house, i'm sure it won't take you too long to find it" followed by a resounding slap from the husband that would fling kemi across the room. the wife would get up and struggle to the door to try and leave the house and the husband would pull her back by the hair as her hands are outstretched inches away from the door knob. she would let out a primal scream as strands of her hair tear out and remain in his hand as her head yanks away from it following her body to thump on the terrazzo floor.
she always knows what comes next as soon as she is sprawling on the ground in the middle of a fight: the kicks. often times it would be all she can do lying halfway between the balcony and the parlour, to fold up in a fetal position and grip her head and face tightly to avoid the marks. and kick he would. he would raise each leg high and kick...over and over with very precise rhythm. each strike coming down with the syllable of a never ending question. "is. it. me. you. are. ans. wer. ing. like. that? are. you. mad? are. you. the. man. in. this. house?" eerily, when he kicks her in the head and she suddenly stops screaming, he would immediately stop and move away. almost as if he was afraid he had killed her, or had gone too close to killing her that he didn't want to be the one to deliver the final blow.
for a day or three, the wife would call in to work sick while the swellings went down. she would tie headscarves and wear dark sunshades while sneaking out daily apparently to attend the countless family meetings and church counselling sessions that will inevitably be called to "solve the problem". and this is where my grouse is: as with many other things that is wrong with the average nigerian, the church must take full responsibility for the death of every christian wife who dies at the hands of her husband. i have heard first hand where church counsellors and pastors have repeatedly advised abused women to "pray to God to change him" and to fast for two days and bring the husband for special prayer. i have discussed with church brethren who say to me that a wife is stuck with the husband she marries come hell and highwater...and i am often referred to Matthew 5: 32.
"32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery."
essentially, a divorced woman is screwed...unmarriageable and useless. darn. but for the love of peace. i think that many people who put themselves in a position of trust over others by virtue of their religious office, must take the time to scientifically study the reality of an issue before giving memorized advice that is mass produced in a one-size-fits-all manner. i wish i could say "change the bible" but thats neither practical or necessary.
and then there are those who feel that the man must have been frustrated, for him to have beat or killed his wife. i'm not sure who is more stupid between the proponents of this theory and the perpertrator of the crime. yes, thats exactly the same thing as saying that school bullies were provoked by the victims and were thus justified in their actions. i won't say one more thing about this in order not to end up stupid while trying to fend off stupid perspectives.
however my opinion is that, in nigeria the role segmentation for men and women especially in cultural settings is very steep and permits the "ownership system" where men own their wife as a tangible asset e.g. car and house, and should expect servitude by ruling his house with an iron fist. i have heard many a man talk about how you must "use strong hand to hold your woman o, or else she go show you". admittedly, half these conversations are held in a half-drunken state and can be discounted. clearly, no educated woman will let herself be degraded in that way, and if this is the true mindset of a nigerian man, then the fisticuffs are bound to be released to reel in the wayward horse of a wife, when she dares to have an opinion or have better fortune. this is coupled by the man's awareness, that no one on mother earth will ever ask or allow his wife to leave her matrimonial home...for where exactly? her fathers house? the church? the police? all of which would promptly return her to her nightmare with highfalutin words of advice and reproach on how to be patient and wait on God. this same God.
So, to add value to the situation, i went to find useful information and came across this link to a VERY useful site that speaks to spousal abuse - http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm. it was validating to note that:
"Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you and this is why =
1. Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
2. Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
3. Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
4. Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.
above all, it is not 'none-of-your-business' only because you have a peaceful happy home. if you suspect that your colleague or friend is a victim of an abusive relationship, please speak up. sometimes, embarassing the abuser and exposing him publicly often stops the pain and for all you know, may even save a life.
see y'all around peeps. sorry about the long post.
below is a couple on their wedding day. 'aww nice' i hear you think. i thought the same too.
but she's dead now. and according to report, he killed her. 3 years down and one child later. after she was killed, we all now know she was consistently beaten throughout her short marriage, she had left the marriage one and then returned. she didn't tell her family but confided in a colleague about the abuse. and the male audience insist the man must have been drunk when he did it. but she's dead.
the ensuing scandal is not why this news is interesting, but the discussions arising from it. while everyone i know seems to remember a family friend or acquaintance or friend or cousin who used to be beaten by a spouse or lover, nobody has told me when the victim of the abuse ever walked out of the marriage or divorced the spouse. it always ends with, "she stuck it through for the sake of the kids", "she told her parents and they called him to order", "she prayed and fasted for him until he stopped much later". not once did i hear, 'and she moved out and filed for divorce'.
the story above is pathetic but very representative of countless nigerian marriages. i for one had constantly witnessed spousal pummeling for many of my growing up years, not because my parents ever quarrelled (the good of their being lifelong pastors i guess), but watching through my bedroom window as the couples in the next house opposite our room would fight. it would often start with the silliest things like "kemi where is my slippers" and a response from the wife like "its a 3 bedroom house, i'm sure it won't take you too long to find it" followed by a resounding slap from the husband that would fling kemi across the room. the wife would get up and struggle to the door to try and leave the house and the husband would pull her back by the hair as her hands are outstretched inches away from the door knob. she would let out a primal scream as strands of her hair tear out and remain in his hand as her head yanks away from it following her body to thump on the terrazzo floor.
she always knows what comes next as soon as she is sprawling on the ground in the middle of a fight: the kicks. often times it would be all she can do lying halfway between the balcony and the parlour, to fold up in a fetal position and grip her head and face tightly to avoid the marks. and kick he would. he would raise each leg high and kick...over and over with very precise rhythm. each strike coming down with the syllable of a never ending question. "is. it. me. you. are. ans. wer. ing. like. that? are. you. mad? are. you. the. man. in. this. house?" eerily, when he kicks her in the head and she suddenly stops screaming, he would immediately stop and move away. almost as if he was afraid he had killed her, or had gone too close to killing her that he didn't want to be the one to deliver the final blow.
for a day or three, the wife would call in to work sick while the swellings went down. she would tie headscarves and wear dark sunshades while sneaking out daily apparently to attend the countless family meetings and church counselling sessions that will inevitably be called to "solve the problem". and this is where my grouse is: as with many other things that is wrong with the average nigerian, the church must take full responsibility for the death of every christian wife who dies at the hands of her husband. i have heard first hand where church counsellors and pastors have repeatedly advised abused women to "pray to God to change him" and to fast for two days and bring the husband for special prayer. i have discussed with church brethren who say to me that a wife is stuck with the husband she marries come hell and highwater...and i am often referred to Matthew 5: 32.
"32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery."
essentially, a divorced woman is screwed...unmarriageable and useless. darn. but for the love of peace. i think that many people who put themselves in a position of trust over others by virtue of their religious office, must take the time to scientifically study the reality of an issue before giving memorized advice that is mass produced in a one-size-fits-all manner. i wish i could say "change the bible" but thats neither practical or necessary.
and then there are those who feel that the man must have been frustrated, for him to have beat or killed his wife. i'm not sure who is more stupid between the proponents of this theory and the perpertrator of the crime. yes, thats exactly the same thing as saying that school bullies were provoked by the victims and were thus justified in their actions. i won't say one more thing about this in order not to end up stupid while trying to fend off stupid perspectives.
however my opinion is that, in nigeria the role segmentation for men and women especially in cultural settings is very steep and permits the "ownership system" where men own their wife as a tangible asset e.g. car and house, and should expect servitude by ruling his house with an iron fist. i have heard many a man talk about how you must "use strong hand to hold your woman o, or else she go show you". admittedly, half these conversations are held in a half-drunken state and can be discounted. clearly, no educated woman will let herself be degraded in that way, and if this is the true mindset of a nigerian man, then the fisticuffs are bound to be released to reel in the wayward horse of a wife, when she dares to have an opinion or have better fortune. this is coupled by the man's awareness, that no one on mother earth will ever ask or allow his wife to leave her matrimonial home...for where exactly? her fathers house? the church? the police? all of which would promptly return her to her nightmare with highfalutin words of advice and reproach on how to be patient and wait on God. this same God.
So, to add value to the situation, i went to find useful information and came across this link to a VERY useful site that speaks to spousal abuse - http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm. it was validating to note that:
"Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you and this is why =
1. Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
2. Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
3. Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
4. Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.
above all, it is not 'none-of-your-business' only because you have a peaceful happy home. if you suspect that your colleague or friend is a victim of an abusive relationship, please speak up. sometimes, embarassing the abuser and exposing him publicly often stops the pain and for all you know, may even save a life.
see y'all around peeps. sorry about the long post.
Comments
It is high time for the Authorities and the so called Human Rights activist to start looking into this matter of spousal abuse. Things are really getting out of control.
My believe is that a full sane and educated human being cannot do such things. Period!
KI
Congrats on your nominations.
KI, thanks a lot for your comments. Well, i think we can do more, and that things will change with time. But for thos needing help, they must stop waiting and do something!
I loved your dissection of it here and hopefully with this kind of violence sweeping media, parents, pastors will sit up and the spiritual with reality!
http://www.mak2chi.com/2011/07/oroque-made-me-do-it-dv-and-self-agency.html